I think I'll have another please...

Some insight...

2012-01-12T10:20:00.003-06:00

My type. He's average height. Was born to wear a suit. His smile is contagious. He oozes confidence but isn't conceited. His eyes no matter the color can tell his story. He enjoys sports but hates the gym. His laughter is infectious. He guides me through doorways by gently touching the small of my back. He doesn't act like the perfect man to bring home to mom and dad he is genuinely that guy by nature. He's the nice guy to his friends but the cut-throat always gets his way guy in his career. He doesn't cut corners and always works hard. He makes time for his family because he knows they are the ones that bring true happiness.

Have I met him? No. Will I meet him? Who knows. I've never understood people that had a type and when a good person came along but didn't fit that type criteria they turned their back. I understand them now but I still don't agree. No I wouldn't turn a man down if he didn't fill my "criteria". My ex-husband didn't fit that "criteria" but then again I probably didn't fit his either. Possibly why we are exes. So maybe that's key. If you know what you want and what makes you happy in a partner then strive to find that but don't turn away the possibility of love no matter the form that person holds. Everyone we encounter isn't by hapchance. We are meant to meet people and learn from them. I learned from my past. Do I wish it had been easier? Hell yes. I wouldn't change it for anything though. My "criteria" now has changed. I think it changes as we grow older and mature. What attracted is a potential person before doesn't have the same affect now. It's the same with friends too. The friends we surrounded ourself with before is pretty different usually when you get older. Time changes us. Whether we like it or not.

In my opinion it's not a bad thing to crush on a celebrity or a character on a show. For the things we see we learn from. So the attraction to that crush teaches us what we want in real life. Again, we shouldn't limit ourself though. If love comes knocking on our door and if there isn't dangers involved in loving that person, then go for it. Just because that person doesn't fit "criteria" now doesn't mean they won't in the future. For time changes us. Don't get me wrong. I don't believe in settling. I also don't believe in being too prideful to give someone a chance. Who knows. Mr. right now could be mr. right if you give him the opportunity. So my motto for this year. Go for it. Don't be afraid of failing. Whether that be in relationships or my career. If I feel moved to make a change. Then I will change. Funny how this started out as a blog about my type and changed mid-way through. My writing my rules though right? Happy New Year to all who stumble upon this good ol blog of mine. May you never settle and be happy in all that you do.

Cheers to a New Year!

2012-01-04T13:44:00.002-06:00

It's already the new year. I made a resolution of sorts to "check-in" more. Whether that be writing in a journal or blogging. Just check in with myself, with friends and family. Make sure I don't get stuck in a rut of being on the outside of my life looking in. It happens all too often. I'm a very socially driven person and when I'm not being social I get down. So, my goal is to be more social any chance I get. So if you guys, the few of you that read this lil ol blog of mine. Make sure you keep me in check and make sure I check in. Thanks!

So my New Years Eve wasn't anything special but it was relaxing and I spent it with my good friends. Next year I want it to be something memorable. Maybe I'll jet off to NYC and experience that amazingness or maybe I'll throw a killer party of my own. One where we play ridiculous board games and take lots of pictures. I don't like alcohol driven parties. I used to that's for sure. Time though makes you realize it's just about having the people close to you around that should matter. If alcohol is the center of the party then it is sure to cause some turmoil. So you won't need to be smashed to have fun at my party. Like I said though, maybe I will be partying it up with a million other people somewhere else. Who knows. I have a whole year to plan!

This past year wasn't too shabby. Though I know there are sure to be some EPIC things coming around this year that will surely make it the best year ever. Time will tell. Well I checked in y'all. Remember to hold me accountable! I wish you all the best in the coming year! Laterz!

"If I wasn't a celebrity, would you be so nice to me?"

2011-11-09T14:20:00.001-06:00

The Celebrity Challenge: Just for a moment, pretend you are a celebrity. Answer the following questions based on your “celeb” status!

What kind of car do you drive? An Audi R8 Spyder. Dont touch

Where do you live? Vaquero - Westlake, TX near my bestie the one and only Tonya Rabon! Some douche let this pic get out of my house...don't get any ideas. I don't like to be bothered. I have ninja guards.

What are you known for? "Antique" distributor

Are you nice to the paparazzi? Only if they aren't near me

What is your favorite vacation spot? Bora Bora or St. Lucia. It has to be away from normal folk though.

What is your favorite retail shop? Whatever is in Tonyas closet. Fame didn't change me in that regard.

What was the last thing you purchased on your AMEX Black card? Tickets to the World Series and this beauty...yes it's Harry Winston. Stop drooling.

Do you read gossip magazines about yourself? Ummm no because it's usually awful. Those fools don't know me! Don't hate the player hate the game!

Who are you dating/married to? Josh Charles. We just got back from Bora Bora and he is looking presh all sun-kissed and adorable.

What is your favorite restaurant? I love me some grub. Fearing's at the Ritz Carlton in Dallas. They always have my table ready on Friday night.

Would you really want to be this person? Pshhh no she's a bitch but I love the stuff she has!

Visiting

2011-10-20T15:05:00.001-05:00

I just finished reading a great book which had so much insight on something I never really thought of before, well at least not for a long time. It was about a pastor who was killed on impact in a car accident and pronounced dead on the scene. It outlines his visit to heaven, how he then returned to this life after 90 minutes and then his journey of recovery and sharing his story via the book and several speaking events he still holds to this day. As humans we search for the answers we are hardwired to figure the answer to the inevitable question of why. He asked himself why he was brought back to pain and suffering from the gates of heaven where he was welcomed by family and was encompassed by the sounds of angels singing thousands of songs at once and he could distinguish each one. He explains his battle with depression and how something so simple pulled him out of the dark hole. It was truly a powerful book. There weren't fluff words it was a true account of an experience from a man who died, went to heaven and returned to share his story.

How could someone live knowing that kind of greatness awaits. I mean I know what it is to live like that but to actually experience it and then come back. Wow that is so amazing. I recommend the read and it only took me a few days to read thanks to lunch breaks and my awesome kindle to read it on. I just started a new job and I'm so thankful for the opportunity. I actually wasn't looking to move jobs but my resume was still up on monster.com and I got a call a couple of weeks ago, went in for the interview and got hired the same day. It was hard to say goodbye to the other company because I had made really good friends there and basically had lots of freedom but I didn't like the lack of structure. I didn't like that the owners were not invested enough in their company to know how much money they had on a daily basis. The pros of leaving far outweighed the cons and I made the decision to move. Each day here at the new company that decision is reinforced. I'm making more money, I have benefits for the first time in over a year and I'm finally happy on a day to day basis. I give thanks to God because money or lack thereof, rather, haunted me on a daily basis at the other job. I prayed and prayed that I would be pulled out of that financial mess the other company put me in. I probably won't be clear of that mess for awhile but at least I have the opportunity to turn it around.

On another note, the Texas Rangers are now in game 2 of the world series. My friends and I were at Game 6 of the ALCS and cheered the entire game. I seriously felt like I had a celebration hangover the next two days and it was so worth it. I realized while at that game and seeing people drink that I don't miss drinking anymore. I've always just been a casual drinker but I've had a few moments where I got completely shit-faced and made horrible decisions. Those moments and the things I did have caused me to stop drinking even just "casually". I realized though that I have so much fun without drinking. I've always been one to truly have a good time no matter what. I feel better and haven't had a drink in several months.Yay for no hangovers...except celebration hangovers which don't have an everlasting headache attached with them.

Ahhhhh it's almost Friday. I hope everyone has had a great week I know I'm going to be busy this weekend but a fun busy! Laterz...

Reflection

2011-09-20T12:24:00.000-05:00

I've often looked into the mirror and wondered who it was that was staring back at me. I thought I knew that girl the one who always had a smile on her face, the girl that everyone came to looking to be cheered up and the girl that had passion for just about everything she was involved with. I miss that confidence and that strength. I miss her smile and the way she approached life with so much wisdom though she was very young and naiive. Where did she go?

I think I know. I think she stumbled down the path that a lot of girls her age do. I think she was blinded by the excitement of attention and young love. I think she never really knew what she had got herself into. I think she didn't really care just as long as he looked her way. I think she sank into a deep hole and could only wave at the ones she abandoned. I think she was a fool and started to lose her way. I think she lost herself and yearned to see the same reflection that I yearn for. I think I know this girl. I think it's me.

I don't regret any of it. The countless tears over lost friendships and confusing feelings eventually faded. The pain of losing 5 years only to lose a few more from jumping back in to love is starting to subside. I am not me without all of this. We all have moments in our lives where we must step back in order to see clearly. I look to my Savior who I strayed from for far too long and he just smiles and welcomes me back. Not everyone knows Him and that's ok for he knows you. Whether you believe it or not it means no difference to me. For I have always accepted and welcomed anyone into my life whether they be believers or not. Most of my family are not believers.

I am to be baptized on October 9th and it has made me realize what that truly means for me. It's a chance to see that girl in the reflection again. It's a chance to be born again and crawl out of the hole I've called home for too long. It's a chance to share my testimony and belief with my family and friends. It's a chance for me to give a chance back to someone who may be lost too.

My reflection though still clouded shows that I am not alone. I have the Lord who loves me by my side, I have my family around me who love me unconditionally as well and I have my friends who are small in number but great in quality. They are my rock. All of them. They are helping me to see again. They are helping me to grow and become what I lost long ago. I am grateful and astounded by the power of love. For love once buried me but now it lifts me up. What an amazing thing.

What does your reflection show?

A-Z of Me!

2011-09-19T13:23:00.005-05:00

I saw this on another blog figured I'd jump back into blogging with this little list.

A. Age: 26

B. Bed size: I tend to sleep wherever I end up but my bed is super comfy full sized pillow top with some super 'spensive sheets!

C. Chore that you hate: In the past I hated mopping but I can deal with that now. Presently I hate folding clothes. It is my nemesis.

D. Dogs: 3 dachshunds at my parents house; one is paralyzed and she is the queen bee and the dog I live with currently is a Cocker Spaniel that is super sweet but soo mischievous!!

E. Essential start to your day: uplifting music on the way to work (this is a recent one; my mornings used to and on occasion still are very hectic because I'm a zombie most mornings)

F. Favorite color: midnight blue and crimson red; I also love teal and brown together

G. Gold or Silver: definitely silver; not a big gold fan at all

H. Height: 5'0" according to my driver license

I. Instruments you play: the violin

J. Job title: Mortgage Loan Processor by day; iPad obsessor by night

K. Kids: only animals for now

L. Live: Texas!

M. Mother’s name: Paula

N. Nicknames: Ash, Flash, Pikachu, Wash, Ott, Washton, and sooo many more. My dad always has new weird names for me!

O. Overnight hospital stays: nope thank goodness

P. Pet peeves: oh geez ummm chewing with your mouth open or talking with your mouth full or just chewing in period; the sound literally drives me crazy but only when I'm not eating; strange I know!!

Q. Quote from a movie: "...I happen to have a very high regard for your wobbly bits..." from Bridge Jones: The Edge of Reason

R. Right or left handed: Righty

S. Siblings: one younger yet much taller 16 year old brother - Austin

U. Underwear: Anti-Thong; give me some regular old soft cotton ones anyday

V. Vegetable you hate: Ummmmm...I was going to say olives but they are a fruit lol; so I guess I like all the veggies I've had

W. What makes you run late: omg everything! playing on my Ipad is a recent one but mainly it's just me and my inability to manage time in the mornings especially

X. X-Rays you’ve had: teeth, wrist and leg

Y. Yummy food that you make: I wish I could cook. In fact that's something I really want to tackle in the near future.

Z. Zoo animal: Zoos and places like SeaWorld make me sad but I guess I do like seeing lions and tigers up close.

That's it for now. I'll hopefully start blogging more regularly. I think I've said that ever since I started this blog haha!

"Busy" vs. Busy

2011-06-16T10:13:00.004-05:00

This post was inspired by a joy juice prompt sent to me awhile back. You can find out about the awesomeness of joy juice by clicking the title of this post.

So. What makes you busy? For me it's work. Shocker. I've always been a solid employee. I'm on time, I go above what's required, and I'm dependable. I fell into the mortgage industry while picking up the pieces of myself back in 2006. I loved the ever-changing nature that comes with it and I loved being in the corporate world. Maybe it was the location of my job, inside the Ballpark in Arlington, or maybe the people I worked with, but I fell in love. I fell in love with busy. I felt unaccomplished when my day ended right at 5:00. I felt like working until 7 or 8 was the norm and for this industry when it's busy that is the norm. I spent 3 years becoming better at my job as a loan processor. I couldn't wait to find the next challenge, to reach the next level of my career. I don't have a college degree so I felt like this was my path and so I let it consume me. It consumed my personal life because I took work home or I let the stresses affect all aspects of my life. I started to lose my hair, from a stress induced condition called alopecia. It was terrible. Whatever happened at work whether negative or positive had a direct impact on me and my outside life. I don't think I realized it was work that was causing my unhappiness. I don't think it even hit me until I started writing this post even.

It didn't end there though. I was at that job for 4 years and was laid off due to a merge of two companies. My position was phased out. I started feeling panicked and confused. I didn't know if this meant I should change career paths or just stick with the one I had invested so much time in. So I stuck it out. I'm still sticking it out. I have invested so much time. I still love what I do as a whole but there are varying factors that make it hard to sit in my desk chair 8 hours a day 5 days a week. Sometimes I feel like I'm meant to be elsewhere but then the voice in my head starts shouting at me for being unreasonable. I have a plan though I really do. I pay off my car sometime next year and I feel like that will be my chance to fly. I will have $500 a month to myself. All mine. Not some financial company that has drained me of every cent for 6 years. I want to slap my 20 year old self for getting me into this mess.

So my addiction to busy is fueled by the need to make money. I have a plan. I have ideas. I have a desire to do more than what I'm doing. My addiction to busy should not play the leading role in my life. My idea of "busy" needs to include healthy things like working out or writing or volunteering. So I'm waving goodbye to busy and saying hello to being present.

Wine and Love

2011-06-09T10:52:00.006-05:00

Hey Nora thanks for the awesome wine/love post. I think I'll start my dedication to blogging more by participating in this. Thanks!

The Wines for the week:

:( People not understanding or cooperating. I'm a loan processor and people want to put up a fight to give documentation. I mean come on we are lending you thousands of dollars to buy a home the least you could do is give me what I need.

:( The nail polish on my toes getting ruined from the heels I wore to work yesterday. I had a Bad A pedicure with my mom on Sunday and it's already ruined. Huge mega sad face.

:( Biting my lip and then continuously biting it for several days because the spot is now swollen. Uncool!

:( Money problems. This is a constant "wine". It drives me crazy and I never seem to have it under control. I tell ya, 2 months of being unemployed took it's toll on my bank account.

My Loves for the Week:

:) Having a pretty day on Monday. My hair was lookin good and my makeup was killer. I felt like a thousand bucks (I don't know what million bucks feels like haha)

:) Pedicures with my mom on Sunday. I had never treated her to a pedi like I was going to for Mother's Day so I made it up to her. She had never had the pricey pedi before and she was in heaven.

:) Journal prompts from JOY JUICE that make me reflect and discover awesome things about myself. Thanks Molly!!

:) Nice people that just make my day that much better. I love when people are grateful for the things I do and aren't afraid to express their gratitude. Kudos to them!

:) Making a goal to blog more often and build my blogging network. I want to branch out and participate more often with other 20SB peeps.

:) Making plans with the bestie to lay out on Saturday in our ghetto water park (i.e. lawn chairs and a sprinkler)

What's your wine/love for the week?

Dreams

2011-05-25T13:44:00.003-05:00

My dreams as of late have been rather complicated. So much happens and I wake up feeling lost in another world. I can't seem to focus. My thoughts are all over the place. My heart is confused and my emotions have no direction. We are a complicated species. We dwell/over think/ponder/reflect all to often and it causes more confusion in the long run.

To even sit down and write this blog post takes effort for me. I start becoming anxiety ridden as if my words have no meaning and I have to figure out a way to infuse life into them. That's not right. I want this to go away this doubt that constantly consumes me. The doubt that prevents me from moving forward for fear of the unknown. I feel like I'm in neutral most of the time looking at everyone else pass by in 4th gear.

Day by day I struggle. I struggle with the most mundane of tasks. My heart and my head battle each other and neither ever wins. I'm in a constant state of almost. I live my life in my head playing out what I want to happen and nothing actually ever does...happen. Life is tricky. One would think with all this confusion that my life is full of drama. It's not. I'm a fairly simple individual but I can make anything complicated.

All I want is one day of peace. One day where I am me. Maybe once I get the taste of that again it will never leave. I just want to experience that again. I sometimes ponder changing locations but I would still be plagued with my own thoughts. Change isn't about moving. Change is about doing. So I must do it. But how. That is what I struggle with. I see the outcome. I can smell/taste/feel the outcome. It's the inbetweens that I'm caught up in. Oh life you fickle thing.

Change is necessity.

A manifesto of sorts...

2011-05-01T21:04:00.005-05:00

The thing about blogging. It makes you self-reflect and sometimes all too often. It makes you wonder if your life is what it should be. The fact is though...your life is yours. It's not determined by what other people are doing. It's not determined by the should be's. It's determined by hard-work and passion. My life is not glamorous. I don't take pictures all of the time. I love taking pictures but it's not something I'm passionate about. I don't always have the perfect words to say. So I don't blog or write often.

I see tons of people with Etsy shops, food and photography blogs and it makes me wonder if I'm missing out on something. I am. I'm missing out on finding my passion. Then I get to wondering what if my passion isn't something tangible like other peoples. What if I love my job and just want to have lots of hobbies that I'm passionate about. Then I slap myself in the face for comparing myself to these other people. I am me. You are you. That's what makes this world go round. You may rock it at being a mom/blogger/cook/writer/photography and the list goes on. That's you. This is me. I rock at being random and speaking my mind. I rock at being organized at work and being sociable. I rock at screaming at sports games. I rock at being me. So that's what I will always be.

I stand here before the Internet with my fingers as tools to present to you that declaration. So here I am. Open, honest and with blank pages to fill with new words and pictures on occasion.

I don't conform to the usual. I don't believe what others think I should. I'm a woman of faith but I'm not religious. Go ahead and challenge me. I probably won't take the time to debate with you but I will listen. Wow that felt pretty damn good to say!

Monday is approaching so I better get prepared. Catch ya on the flip side.

Monday's are for letters

2011-03-21T10:14:00.002-05:00

Dear Adderall, Thanks for making me focused and ready for the day. My ADD brain truly appreciates you and your awesomeness! Much love...oh look a squirrel.

Dear grumpy co-worker, I know it's Monday but please attempt to smile when you pass my desk. Do I offend you by being smiley and happy this morning. If so...bite me.

Dear work, I love you. You're great but I wish you were outside. It's PERFECT out.

Dear love, You make me happy. Truly blissfully happy but you're too damn complicated. Can you just be simple for once? No...ok fine.

Dear people who read this, I hope today is a great day for you. I hope it's filled with lots of awesome Monday greatness. If not, have a shot of whiskey, go back to bed, and when you wake up it will be one day closer to Friday. You're welcome.

Addiction

2011-02-20T21:38:00.001-06:00

I’ve never made this blog real enough. I always hold back and I have no idea why. I guess I’ve had a wall up of sorts. Well I’m removing that wall. I’m going to make this blog a true journey, a real place for me to share my ideas, my thoughts, my struggles and I won’t worry about who sees my words or not. Ok that’s off my chest. So I’m an addict. It’s not to drugs, or alcohol but to food. I have let horrible foods control my life for well over 5 years now. I have no idea who I am anymore both physically and mentally. It’s really scary to know that I might not wake up in the morning because my health is not good for my age. Right now I’m living to eat and not eating to live or to sustain. I don’t consume enough water or enough of the right sorts of vitamins, etc. Every weekend including this past one I always think to myself, ok this coming Monday I’m going on a diet so this weekend I will gorge myself on all my favorite fatty foods and drinks. Then, Monday comes and I completely fail or I might start up a good workout routine and eat the right things but it doesn’t stick. This needs to stick or I’m going to die. Plain and simple. If I don’t start and maintain a healthy way of living, I’m going to die too soon and in a horrible way. So interwebs, this is me saying I’m going to change I will succeed and the only thing standing in my way is me.

I would totally date me

2011-01-26T13:37:00.005-06:00

So I took myself on a date. Damn I'm a pretty cheap date. I didn't even have to go anywhere to have a good time. We watched an old movie "Calamity Jane", snuggled up under the softest pink blanket in the world, and stayed up a bit later than should have on a work night. It was the only time I could fit in though to do something that I wanted to do. I'm constantly around people I never, other than driving, have me time so I took advantage of the time last night. Note: I'm editing this post like 8 days after this date actually happened. So anyway me time was a blast and I fell asleep all comfy like and woke up refreshed and ready for the day. So last week was totally crazy. I was iced in at home all week, logged in to work from my laptop and stayed under the blankets for 96 hours straight...battling single digit is this Antartica weather and electricity that couldn't decide if it wanted to work or not. It kinda totally rocked although I ended up getting really fidgety on Friday and had to go to 7/11 for a soda before I shivved my roommates just for the hell of it. My roommates must love me...the things they put up with. Random outbursts of I'm-so-sad-someone-feel-bad-for-me-I'm-having-an-effing-bad-day cry fests and then other times of I'm-ridiculously-hyper-please-someone-goof-around-with-me-kluvyabye hysterical laughter bouts. Clearly I'm awesome. Anywhos it's Monday and I'm back at work trying to get used to a routine again. So, blog pals it's Monday and I'm feeling good.

In which I take a leap of faith...

2011-01-18T16:29:00.002-06:00

Tomorrow I set forth on a journey. A journey which will require hours of self-reflection, memories I might not like to think about with a healthy dose of laughter and You go Girl yells. It's 10 weeks long and I'm ready and focused to begin. I've never been one to fully admit I'm struggling until the situation is severely out of control and forces me to admit what's going on. Last year was a year of self-discovery, change, and being down. I no longer intend to live life behind a frown and instead smile brightly like I always have. I will no longer let the oh woe is me phrase control my future. The warmth of a blanket is nothing like the warmth of new friendships and adventure. I plan to make this a Revolution of a year. I plan to seize the day and never look back. This is life and there's no rewinding time. It's time to focus on all aspects of a healthy life and finally do and not just say. I'm beyond ready for this, my sanity and future depend on this. Lord give me courage to face the rocky patches ahead, the clarity so that I may see through the clouded images of society and the strength to stand up and fight. I'll try to post every week regarding my progress. Here I go...

I hate it when...

2011-01-17T09:20:00.003-06:00

I burn my tongue and then you can't taste things right for the next few days. It's so annoying. Haha I know that's random but right as I was starting to blog I tried to taste my yogurt and couldn't. Anyway, it's been a good year so far. I put forth some very ambitious goals for myself and I'm starting to take the steps to figure me out. To figure out why I'm here and what I should be doing. I start orientation for a couple of volunteer organizations soon and I'm very excited about this. One organization is for battered and abused women/children. I'd volunteer at the facility helping check women in and help care for them while they're there. I've been so selfish with my time for the past few years and it's time I change that. The other organization is helping disabled or mentally handicapped people maintain their financials and visit them once a week to make sure they are keeping up with their checkbook etc. This one hits home the most because my grandfather had Alzheimer's and was unable to handle money or anything so my family had to help him out. It's my goal to stick with all of these new experiences and help myself grow. On another note, I've been organizing a lot and realized I have so much music that I wish I had on my phone or iPod but Im afraid about putting too many songs onto my laptop because it's not the most reliable piece of crap. I have a desktop as well so I guess I can just pile all of my music onto there. Hmm...decisions...decisions. Ok well hope all is awesome wherever you may be. Take care.

Ripples in the distance

2010-11-23T17:13:00.003-06:00

I stand on the edge of the dock looking at the rippling waves pass by. I wonder where they came from and what formed them. I wonder if I too am just a ripple and how I'm different from the others around me. Lots of self reflection lately it's become quite the topic on this abandoned blog of mine. Even though I don't blog often in the back of my mind I know I have a place to escape to. A place where I can say what I need to say and move on. I wonder if my words are ever seen and a surprise comment assures me that they are seen. Seeing my family over this Thanksgiving break brought a sense of calm to my soul. That's what I love about the holidays. It brings everyone together even if for just a few hours and everyone is happy and at ease. I thank God that my family is close and no matter what we are doing we are just thankful to have each other. What are you thankful for? So I've been watching a lot of movies this break and a reocurring message I've picked up on is that time is precious. Experience all that you want to, leave your mark on this world and make sure to love with everything that you are. I've said before that my life is often like a treadmill well my friends I'm stepping off and making the next step. I have no idea what lies ahead but what I do know is that I have faith and determination to survive through it all. Hope everyone had an amazing holiday! Arrivederci!

The prize at the end of the rope

2010-10-18T15:04:00.005-05:00

Here's a passage from "All My Life" by the Foo Fighters one of my favorite bands:

All my life I've been searching for something

Something never comes, never leads to nothing

Nothing satisfies, but I'm getting close

Closer to the prize at the end of the rope...

I'm always searching not necessarily for better but for change. The mundane seconds of every day wear on my not-so-patient soul and I'm always wanting to experience new things. I feel so held back though and not by anybody or anything but by my self. The unknown entices me and I can't help but build the bridge to get there. Lately my life is like a treadmill I run and I run but never getting anywhere. The tiny things in life build up and cover my conscience causing me to feel overwhelmed and underproductive. Battles are fought in my head, and nothing is ever concluded. So many things are left unanswered or unfinished and it's very exhausting.

My divorce was finalized back in July and since then I don't feel like things have really changed. My marriage to me was over long before the day I walked into that court and signed page after page. People have been quick to judge my decision even my own self at times but nothing made me happier than doing something for me. I've always wanted to please others and never tick anyone off but I got to the point where my future mattered more than what others thought of me in the present. My ex was not a bad person, he was a lost person I will say that, but bad not even the slightest. He was good to me, he truly loved me with his whole heart but things got in the way, life got in the way. He was not true to his word, he let himself get the best of him and it ended us. Not blaming him for it all but everything dominoed from one event. I will never forget what I learned nor the love that we so briefly shared.

Back to what I was talking about at the beggining of this post, I feel like it's time that I pull my feet out of the mud and actually do something. I've done things but not something if that makes any sense at all. I know life is all about the small stuff and not everything has to be perfect or go exactly as planned. I love that life is erratic and that I am flawed. I'm not looking for that. I'm looking for me and I will always be looking for someone to share the gift of existence with. Whether I find that someone or not it doesn't matter, I just want to be comfortable with me and the life that I'm leading. Right now I'm not and I expect to do all I can to change that. First step for me is changing what I hate most about myself, my weight. So please send good thoughts my way as I will be trying to lose weight over the next however long it takes.

Hope all is well wherever you may be...oh and by the way Go Rangers (Texas Rangers)!!

Not looking back

2010-07-30T14:58:00.001-05:00

I used to think everything had boundaries. That everything was compartmentalized and it was either black or white. I also was 15 and all I really thought about was soccer, orchestra and what boy I was crushing on. I’m 25 now and I’ve realized that life is all over the place, it’s not black or white but a cool shade of grey and that nothing is just going to happen. I’ve had lots of changes going on in my life lately, changes that for most are never experienced. I’m not most though. I never have been. I used to think I was the norm and that I would have a better existence if I matched the general population. I would wear the latest trend because I saw 3 girls in soccer class wearing the same thing. I would listen to the music that every one of my friends was rocking out to and I would obsess over the same things the rest of my peers spent countless hours obsessing over. I’ve had a lot of time to think to reevaluate the me that currently exists. I’ve learned to understand that there is no norm and that I shouldn’t want to be or lie about being anything I’m not. Recently I’ve had to shed a lot of extra things in my life so I could concentrate on me. I’ve had to forego spontaneous dinners or happy hours with friends or family so that I didn’t stray from the routine I’ve created for myself. I’ve never had structure. I’ve never had a routine that got me from day to day. Some people might tell me that routine is not good and for someone who has spent a majority of their life running from reality, routine is the drug that calms the chaos. I’m learning that this chapter of my life may not be the most glamorous and that’s ok. This is a time for rebuilding, evaluation and structure. This is a time to prove to not only myself but to my support system that I am one to be trusted that I am one to count on. I may lose some people during this chapter people that may not understand what is going on people who may think I’m ignoring them and as hard as that fact is to swallow it is reality. I may lose them and I hope it’s temporary but I can’t look back I can’t get walked on anymore I can’t avoid the reality that my life for so long has been out of control. This is my time…my time to walk in my own shoes to keep my head held high and despite fear and the anxiety that change brings to keep myself calm, cool and collected. So begins the chapter, where I become me.

Wow...

2010-05-19T11:42:00.002-05:00

I didn't realize how long it had been since I posted. I guess when life happens certain other things tend not to happen. Like blogging. So much has happened. I'm a little uneasy to talk about the specifics of the happenings but I'm doing alright I'm in a great new job and I'm looking up with clear eyes. For the first time in my life I'm evaluating me and my goals and my outlook and who I am, etc. It feels amazing. I'm scared yes admittedly but I know that I have a huge support system and am just taking baby steps right now. Ok well just wanted to stop in and for those of you who read this let you know I'm just fine. I'll be back soon I promise :-)

New Life

2010-03-16T09:46:00.003-05:00

I'm in the midst of madness yet I feel perfectly calm and collected. I look to the sky and I feel free and balanced. My life has begun...again. I'm 25 and I've faced a lot of hard times and I've never taken time to evaluate who I am and where I want to go. I used to concentrate on the present and dwell on the past yet I rarely gave myself goals to attain in the future. I may have thought about them but I never took the steps to make those goals happen. It's almost as if I just thought they would happen. Like I could speak them into completion. I had a problem when I first started struggling in college where I would avoid reality. That I was actually struggling yet I was too prideful to step up and study more or seek supplemental instruction. I just thought that it was going to be handed to me. I was a straight A student in high school I studied but not as much that's required in college. I wasn't ill-prepared by any means but somewhere between the age of 18 and 19 I lost the initiative to step up and do things. I started to just exist and not be me and I became extremely detached. There is a lot in between that I don't really want to dive into all of that but basically it's been awhile since I've truly evaluated myself. Right now I'm finally doing that and it feels good because I surprisingly like what I see and realize I have infinitely more to offer than I've ever been given credit for. So here I am...same old me with a new perspective and cleared eyes to see the world with.

So ya hey blog

2010-03-09T21:20:00.003-06:00

So many things going on. Like life. I'm sorry I've abandoned you dear blog you've unfortunately never been a focus but here I am to apologize and shake hands and maybe even chest bump...no? Alright. I'm sitting here watching American Idol and seeing these people try to make something of themself and they aren't perfect but they put themself out there for criticism and they manage. This is something I've never been good at. I've always taken things personally and became defensive. I guess with age and with certain experiences comes growth and change. I recently found out that I have until the end of the month to find a new job. I'm being laid-off. My company is merging with another and they are "phasing" my position out and so I've had to sit at my desk still working feverishly and deal with this shit. Excuse me but shit felt good to say lol. I've been there 3 years and I work in the coolest place, for me anyway and I'm trying to deal with all of the changes this means. I'm also smack dab in the middle of a divorce after not even 2 years of marriage and so even though this may seem like a black hole that I'm living in I've been surprisingly positive. No, not in every moment but in most moments. I've already had 1 interview and another one on Thursday. I've never been less appreciated than I have been at my job that's laying me off. So I know this means great things for me. I work hard I am on time I don't complain I just am me and do my thing. So to those who don't appreciate that well...good riddance. So here I am blog. A new me, a me faced with a bunch of unwanted things, but things that will make me strong and free. I know I don't have a lot of followers on this thing so to those of you who read...thanks for reading. Sorry it's been awhile. Hope all is well. Peace out for now friends.

Inspiration

2009-12-28T07:54:00.001-06:00

Have you ever watched a movie or saw something on tv in a magazine or wherever and had an ah ha moment? I’ve had a couple of those recently and gave me inspiration to start doing what I love on a regular basis. Writing. This blog has never been a hobby of mine it’s never been my main focus. I read other blogs that are inspiring, others that make me die laughing and others that make me want to squeeze the blog author’s cheeks. A friend of mine who’s been mentioned on here before, Tonya, is about to start a new blog. She has so many great words but has never shared them with the world. So I’ve convinced her to start blogging. Good luck Ton.

So it’s the last week of the Biggest Loser competition at work and so far Tonya is in the lead and I’m in second. I just weighed and thought surely I was going to die when I saw how much 3 Christmas dinners made me gain but I was pleasantly surprised that I had stayed the same. Way to keep on keeping on metabolism! We weigh at the office and usually it’s a pound lighter than it is here at the house. Interesting. I’ve lost over 20 pounds and I feel amazing. I can’t wait until the 2nd phase of the competition starts! I have about 50 pounds more to go actually more like 60 or 70. Wish me luck!

Off to work I go. Have an amazing day internet. Don’t make me regret leaving you alone. Ha.

And so it begins

2009-11-23T11:38:00.001-06:00

For a while now I’ve constantly let others decide for me. I’ve always been indecisive whether it be choosing a college or picking a place to eat it’s always a huge task for me to actually make a decision. Part of it is because I’m easily pleased I’m extremely laid back but another part is that I don’t want to step on toes or choose a place someone else doesn’t want to go or that will be too expensive etc etc. Why should I constantly be worried about other people’s feelings or thoughts? It’s exhausting. So I’m here to say this is my time this is my place and this is my moment to let myself shine. Make my own decisions. Stand up once and for all for myself. Over the past few months I’ve had so much time to sit back and evaluate myself as a person. Figure out what I can do to improve and I’ve made a lot of changes for the best. I will never be able to be exactly what others or myself may expect or want and that’s ok. We are forever evolving creatures. I’m excited for the next step of my life. Where will I be? Where should I go? So many options which typically would scare the shit out of me but right now I’m excited that I have the power. Somebody told me the other day “if you don’t let go of the past you can never grow into the future.” It’s so true and I’m taking that advice to heart. Letting go is the hard part. The grudge feels so good to hold onto almost impossible to let go. It should happen though it has to happen. The letting go needs to be done. Forgive and forget in a sense. I’ve heard people say before I can forgive you but I will never forget. Well of course you will never forget that’s the power our brain has to remember the smallest of things. The forgetting though is the letting go. Maybe this letting go act will finally allow me to phase into this next chapter. I hope so. Wish me luck.

What a day!!

2009-08-31T15:13:00.003-05:00

Holy purple monkey today has been insanely awesome! I can't even begin to explain the size of my smile right now...actually now that I think about it my face really hurts lol. Ok so this morning went smoothly I had everything out and ready before I even woke up and to be able to finally do that again felt amazing. I have been living in a room where an entire houseful of crap was crammed into to now having a space that's organized just the way I like. Ok so I started off the morning relaxed and ready to embrace a usually sleep Monday. I get to work and a co-worker has made my favorite snack...chips and queso!! So even though not the healthiest of morning snacks it still was freaking delicious and made me smile. Ok so some time passes and I make my way to the kitchen to guess who's baby picture matches is who and fret about that for a good half an hour. Lunch comes around and Tonya and I made our way to Steak and Shake for a burger, fries and a shake which we brought back to the office. So here's where the insane part starts...I sit down at our tiny kitchen table in the break room with my back to the open door behind me. About 45 seconds later haha not sure on that timing but it's my best guestimate anywho ok so I'm sitting there back to the open door and I hear a man's voice say "Excuse me ma'am". Ma'am really? I'm 24 hopefully I'm not the ma'am age yet lol. Ok ok focus...so I turn around in this sloth like pace it seemed and am face to face with one of my fave baseball players. Ok so I should've said this earlier but I work at the Ballpark in Arlington where the Texas RAngers play...I have worked here for 3 years never to see any baseball players with the exception of Nolan Ryan since he came on board but he's not like yummy oh my goodness you're hot or anything I know I have my shallow moments I'm sorry please forgive me lol. Ok...so...back to the freaking story...so...I turn around and I'm face to face with Jason Grilli...he's a relief pitcher for the Rangers and happens to be my FAVE and is freaking easy on the eyes...ok he's hot no beating around the bush. He asked where this realty company was and I must've looked like a deer in the headlights but I still managed to mutter oh I think that's on the 3rd floor. That's all I freaking said! Omg I can be lame. You see not only am I a huge fan but I'm awesome and I follow him on twitter and am friends with him on facebook. So...that totally just made me seem like a stalker...I so am not! I'm just a huge fan. So anyway this made my freaking day and I'm sitting here trying to work with no success so I decided to blog because it's been an eternity since I blogged and what better day to start blogging than today which has been the awesomest day EVER! Ha...care to share a day that you can remember where you were on Cloud 9 the whole day? I'd love to hear. Ok later gators.

Deathly shy

2009-03-27T10:35:00.002-05:00

When I was a kid up until the age of about 12 I was that weird shy kid you never want to make eye contact with. Seriously it was bad. I mean I had my close friends who really knew that I wasn't truly the weird shy kid I was at school but everyone else knew me as shy Ashley. I always made great grades and did my work so the only problem my teachers had with me was that I didn't talk much. How could that not like that though? Geez! I remember once during open house my parents were asked by a teacher of mine if I was mute...seriously?! Rewind a bit...when I was 3 my mom enrolled me in this dance school in hopes of helping me come out of my shell. Well that plan FAILED and it made me crawl further into that imaginary shell. I went to the same elementary from K - 6th and the summer before 7th grade we decided to move across town. I was devastated. All that hard work of actually making friends just down the drain. So being the great parents that they are they said Ash ya know what if you don't mind getting up a little early we don't mind driving you to school across town so you can be with your friends. I was stoked! Even though the junior high with my friends had uniforms, I just wanted to be there with my friends. So...summer flew by and my mom had even bought my uniforms and such. 2 weeks before school something hit me...why the hell would I want to get up early just to go to school to be with friends that I may not see every class or at all throughout the day. So I sheepishly went into my parents room and had a serious conversation with them. I asked if they would be mad if I decided to go to Bailey Junior High, the junior high right by the house, the junior high my dad went to, and the junior high where I would meet the greatest friends I could ever have met. They joyously agreed with decision and the rest is history. So I stared at Bailey two weeks later and had absolutely no friends at all. I knew one girl from a soccer camp but we weren't even friends just aquaintances. So I had to reluctantly crawl out of that shell and test the waters. So...I was shy and weird...now I'm outgoing and weird. Haha there's no changing weird. I'm thankful for that weird and awkward stage in my life. It has helped me approach situations with not so outgoing people in a very easy going non abrassive manner. Now, admittedly, my outgoing personality has got me into trouble on many occasions, but I am just thankful I can actually talk to a person one on one now without nearly having a panic attack. I'm not exactly sure why I decided to share this small tidbit of my life but it's my blog and I can do what I want lol. A lot is going on right now and I can't complain about anything so I could blog about all the things I've done lately and about the cruise I went on but I don't feel like getting carried away and I'm at work... Later gators.

If you need to lose something, give it to me.

2009-01-06T09:36:00.004-06:00

Seriously though I lose everything. I know it may seem sad and when I start to dwell on this fact I become quite sad, but then my easily sidetracked self starts thinking of other things...happier things. Every morning I get up and to no avail I have lost something new. My keys are always tricky to find they seem to grow legs and jump off the desk into the nearest shoe and this happens very often. It would probably help if Ryan and I cleaned regularly but we both agree that the universe thrives on chaos and so cleaning would only disrupt the balance of the world. That's our story and we're sticking to it. As I'm sitting here at work blogging away I'm sure I've lost another earring or shoe or something relatively important. Fan-freakin-tastic. Eh oh well...on to other things. My New Year started off kind of rocky. Ryan and I brought it in together, curled up on the couch, sick as can be. We've thankfully recovered but I would not wish that virus on anyone. I'm not a huge believer in making resolutions. Partly because I'm a procrastinator and partly because I believe that goals and resolutions should be made at any given point in the year. I get it though, new year new goals. I do have a resolution that's bleeding over from last year, lose weight. My short little 4'11" body doesn't need to carry around so much weight and I'm tired of being tired. So...cheers to a new year and a new approach to my weight loss. So there's lots going on in my life right now and I'm trying to go heads up into every situation. I hope everyone has had an amazing new year and that 2009 proves to be the best yet. Take care all and I'll catch ya later.

Drumsticks, turkey, wii cheerleading and neck pillows...

2008-12-26T08:44:00.003-06:00

Christmas was wonderful. I got to see some extended family on my dads side that is always a pleasure to be around. The cousins are getting so big and so old and I'm so amazed at how Amy and Sam handle the hectic life as a mommy to 3 and 2 respectively. Christmas with my moms family was hilarious as usual. I have VIDEO proof of my brother and Uncle playing Wii cheerleading...we kept telling them that their man cards were null and void lol. My neck pillow that my mom got um I mean Santa got me is amazing. I slept wonderfully and am so thankful that I got one finally. Video proof was recorded on Ryan's and my new video camera my parents got us!! Yay!! So Christmas was wonderful, my first as a married woman, and I'm looking forward to seeing Ryan's side of the family on Saturday as we celebrate a late Christmas. So I'm at work today. It's the day after Christmas and I'm at work and when the sound of my typing is the loudest noise in the office...I think it's time to say hey coworkers "Let's get the hell out of here." Haha...I have some work to get done but I guarantee I won't have much to do the whole day. Anywho, I'm just thankful to have a job. My dad finally got a new job after being laid off after 14 years almost 9 months ago. He starts in mid-January and he will be working right down the street! So that'll be nice to have lunch with my dad on occasion. Ryan's seasonal contract with Target is almost up (Jan. 21), and even though they'll probably hire him on full-time he really is trying to find another job or to apply for management within Target. Work searching is no fun and especially in a time like now. I started thinking the other day after seeing all the kids at Christmas Eve at Aunt Cindy's about one day seeing my kids giggle and unwrap gifts and how amazing that feeling will be. Although I anxiously await that day, I am thoroughly enjoying married life with Ryan sans kiddos running around. I was emailing my friend Jamie the other day and we were discussing how crazy this baby boom is. She knows a bagillion people at church that are prego and I know several people as well that are. I agree totally with her regarding the fact that I want to get pregnant when Ryan and I are ready and when it's not a fad to get pregnant lol. My night last night concluded with a rock out session with Ryan on my Christmas gift, Rockband 2. I kicked ace on the drums and he rocked out on the guitar. It really is the most addicting game I've ever played. My arms definitely got a workout though which was awesome. Ok well I hope everyone had an amazing holiday and that everyone has a safe and wonderful New Year. Laterz.

Hole punch crazy...

2008-12-01T23:13:00.001-06:00

It's Monday. I've finally awaken from my turkey coma, my bestie is in SC and I miss her dearly and my husband is snoring in the background as I blog away. He's so great...life is great. So as Christmas approaches (my first X-mas as a married woman) I find myself thinking of the old days and waking mom and dad up at 6am telling them what Santa brought me on Christmas morning and laughing at my dad moan and groan at the sight of light after a late night. I love this time of year and not just because of the crazy weather or the hazelnut hot chocolate from Starbucks but for having a family to spend full-bellied moments with and watching my young cousins open gifts. It's magical really. Austin, my bro, turns 14 tomorrow. I feel old...I know I'm not but I feel this way. I'm nearly 10 years his senior and thinking of him being less than a year away from high school is craziness. How time flies eh? I bought him an iPod touch and was told by the sales lady at Best Buy that I'm an awesome sister. Fact of the matter is I haven't spoiled him like this is quite some time so it's overdue. It was hard to refrain from buying one for myself...what? I know it's right before Christmas but a gal can buy at least one gift for herself right? :) I'm uploading songs to his iPod for him right now...do you think he'll like all these Foo Fighters, CCR and 3 Doors Down songs...unfortunately not but he'll have to deal with it until he uploads some of his own. Ha...I sure told him! lol Well I hope everyone is having a wonderful fall wherever you may be. Deuces.

ZOMBIE-ISH

2008-11-18T10:31:00.000-06:00

I feel like I could be an extra on the set of "Thriller" today. Literally my hair is nappy, my eyes are puffy and my body probably smells of rotting flesh. Ok maybe that was a little extreme but it's how I feel nonetheless. With this recent move back home I have misplaced many shoes, clothes, bathroom necessities, etc etc. It sucks really because with Ryan's and my wacky schedule it's impossible to get anything done or situated and most of the time when I get off all I want to do is crash and burn. Not really motivated lately...unfortunately. I hope to get that hellish room completed by Sunday at the latest. So I'm getting my hair cut today! Here's a picture of how I'm hoping to get it cut like.

I hope it turns out great! I like how it's not a high maintenance haircut.

So I'm hating all the drama in the office right now. I didn't scan something for one of our other processors because I was on the phone. She got pissed off and said give that back I'll do it myself. Haha...I was on the phone did she expect for me to just put down the phone and scan it for her. I'm not a slave. I've done it before yes with no complaints but she doesn't need to use me. Lame. This drama has been going on for quite some time not only with this scanning bullshit but other things as well. Everyone is always "throwing people under the bus" and it's quite frustrating. I have made so many great friends here and to see everyone fighting is so stupid. I guess it's expected in an office where there are 30 women and only a few men. I hate it and I expect to get out of this business fairly soon. Urgh!!

I can't wait for this work day to be over but I'll make the best of a crap situation. Haircut at 6 tonight!! A haircut for me is very therepeutic in a sense. If I'm feeling a little down in the dumps it's always nice to get a new haircut or just a trim even. I haven't had a haircut in almost a year. Last year I started losing my hair. I lost a huge chunk of it in one spot. A perfect circle of hair was missing...it just had fallen out. I went to the dermatologist b/c I figured my diagnosis of it being Alopecia was correct and sure enough it was. Alopecia is a skin disease in which the white blood cells attack the hair follicles and you lose your hair. Sometimes all of it...sometimes just a chunk like i did but it's always lost in a perfect circle. It's weird. Anywho, I had been getting cortisone shots into my scalp but when I figured out my insurance was not covering them I had to quit. Now that I may be able to start doing the shots again because the insurance company finally decided to cover them I figured I could get a haircut because the shots prevent my hair from falling out rapidly and it promotes growth.

Ok well take care fellow bloggers...have a Terrific Tuesday and I'll catch ya laterz.

2008-11-17T09:31:00.000-06:00

As I sat there pondering whether or not to clean the chaos that is our newly acquired room, I realized something about myself. I am Grade A, First Class Procrastinator. I wouldn't go as far to say that I'm lazy I just prefer to procrastinate. It's sad really and this desire to procrastinate has grown the older I get. Eh...I'll get to it tomorrow my mind thinks...tomorrow rolls along and I still have no desire to clean the damn thing. It's quite the sight though let me tell ya...we have an entire houseful of stuff in one room. Now granted this room is the size of a studio apartment but still not enough space for the stuff we acquired in just 3 months...but it'll do for now and we don't have to pay rent for a while. Yay! As changes are made and the holidays approach I find myself contemplating many things. When will Ryan and I have kids, what will their names be, will we have enough money and be successful, why is this economy sucking...and this list goes on and on. If I start to dwell I'm pretty good about getting my mind out of the rut and thinking about happy things like ponies and butterflies...ok fine maybe not ponies and butterflies but you catch my drift eh? I'm sitting here at work...somewhere I would rather not be at the moment and I just had one of those awkward eye contact moments. I looked up from my cube at the exact moment one of the managers was walking bye and we awkwardly made eye contact with no words spoken. Now I don't find myself in awkward moments but this was one of them and I hate that nothing was said. I mean I could have broken the silent eye contact with hey pal how's it going...but what if he replied shitty and I don't want to talk about it. That would just intensify the awkwardness. So I remained silent and waited as he passed...lame. Have you ever had those? I also giggle at awkward scenes in movies. Well I mean I giggle about everything but that's one of the many things I uncontrollably giggle about. So my friend T is searching for a long lost friend and I'm hoping to help find this friend. She's so wonderful. Have you ever just had that one friend that you can't live a day without...she's that friend for me. I know I've blogged about her before but I just wanted to reiterrate what a pal she is :-). This is for you T..."Hey boy whatsho name?". hahaha Well I guess I better get back to the daily grind. At least I have a job though which is saying a lot right now in this crap ass economy. I live you with this quote I found somewhere a while back "Live simply, Love generously, Care deeply, Speak kindly". Later gators.

Honey you got game.

2008-11-10T10:36:00.000-06:00

My name's DJ I like to run around the back yard, bring random sticks and dirt into my parents clean house and I like to bite mommy on the hand but not too hard. This is what I feel my dog would say to strangers if she could talk and introduce herself. I had a very relaxing day yesterday. Ryno had to work so DJ and I had some good quality picture time and relaxed a majority of the day. Now that I'm feeling the way I am today I wish yesterday was today so I wasn't missing work right now. Anywho, it's a whirlwind right now and I'm holding on tight. Times may be tough financially but Ryan and my marriage is soaring. We have this amazing ability to actually communicate and not bite each other's head off. Ya my background is very different from Ryan's. My family's "discussions" were say the meanest things ever, yell and scream, maybe throw a pillow or two maybe a dachshund if it got in the day, and then not talk for a few hours and apologize later. Ryan's background was very different than mine. His grandparents are very laid back and even though a majority of the time they swept things under the rug their discussions are very civilized and flowy...if that makes any sense. So anywho, when Ryan and I first got together we made a "pact" to each other that we would not scream and yell and throw things but we would talk it out and communicate to the best of our ability. I tell you what...now that we're married...this pact we made 2 years ago is still strong as ever. We may be upset and may irritate the hell out of each other at times but when things get "rocky" we just talk them out. It's perfection...if there was such a thing.

I'm not gloating about how my marriage is great I'm just saying that I never thought I'd be able to have communication in a relationship like I do with Ryan. Onward. Ok so it's a week until we move and I'm a little sad but it's a much needed move and it's definitely temporary. Wish us luck in this next chapter of our life book.

A friend of mine told me the other day..."you have an old soul". The more I think about that the more I completely agree. I've always felt out of place with some people my own age and I remember as a kid while spending the night at friends houses having great conversations with their parents. I mean I have my good friends from high school OV, Smee, and a few others but a lot of my friends are 30+. It's nice though b/c they have wonderful advice and listen to the same kinds of music I do. Regardless of age though I have some great friends that give me something to hold onto in this upsidedown world. To all my friends and friends to be out there...you guys rock!

Speaking of friends, a good friend of mine is struggling right now. I hate that I don't always have the right words for her and I've never been where she's at so it's hard to have the best advice. I hope and pray that she knows that even if my words may not be there my shoulder is always here for her to lean or cry on or anything she needs to use my shoulder for...well within reason hehe. Our friendship has grown over the past few months and it's a wonderful feeling. T...I will be praying for you. I love you :-).

So I'm sick today and headed to the doctor in t minus 3 hours so hopefully some good meds will fix me up for tomorrow. Until next time I leave you with one of my favorite quotes by FDR "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself."

Arrivederci

Our baby!

2008-10-11T22:03:00.001-05:00

This is DJ. She is our new 8 1/2 month old sweet sweet baby girl! She's labrador retriever and something else mix...Ryan thinks Collie...but she could be a number of things. Either way she's a sweet as can be and loves to love. Her first day with us was a little rough because she was throwing up and unable to drink water and was restless, but today she's had a full day and she's soooo tired now. She keeps walking in here as I'm typing wondering what I'm doing and just plopped down beside the chair. She is so cute and very well mannered. She's a little afraid of the backyard now because the big scary german shepherd next door keeps barking at her. She'll get over it though.

So today has been spent with getting DJ used to everything and visiting with my family and Ryan's. They love her so much. So my maternal instincts kicked in last night and I didn't sleep too well because I kept checking on her and making sure she was ok. She did well through the night and slept at the end of our bed all night. We're so happy and she's happy as well. So I had a moment today to myself as I sat on the back porch and soaked in the beautiful weather and my surroundings. I love fall in texas...if only it could be this mild all year round...but I guess if I'm looking for that kind of weather I should move to Hawaii, but I'm not the slow-going pot smoking type like some on the island are. Anyway, I'm starting to get worried about the economy and what will start happening when we crash...I say when because it doesn't seem like the U.S. is going anywhere but down. I hope it gets better though. Anywho...Ryan has an interview on Monday morning!! It's with a wood company near my work and the position has plenty room for growth and a healthy starting income as well. I'm praying all goes well. Good luck Ryno!!

So my bro and his good friend Kenzie are over spending the night tonight. They're playing Playstation 3 of course but they're having a good time. I'm a little worried about my bro though...he's turning out like my dad...I mean my dad is a wonderful man but he's not very ambitious and I just don't want my bro to turn out like that. I think with good friends, if he doesn't lose them, he will turn out ambitious and will go to college and all that jazz. He's only 13 so he has plenty time to grow up and change.

So...it's so weird how things work out...and how things don't. I got a call from my ex's sister yesterday. She has 2 wedding gifts from my ex's mom to give me and she wants to come deliver them to me soon. Typically a call from my past would jolt me and bring back bad memories but I'm a stronger woman than I once was so I'm managing quite well. I need to call her tomorrow so she can finally bring those gifts over.

I'm so ready for a lot of changes financially. I really REALLY hope to get my car refinanced soon to get my ex's name off the title. It'll be nice not to have that connection anymore to my past. I'm not saying my past was entirely awful but I was a totally different person and I never want to be that way again. Moving on...

I'm not feeling so well right now so I better go get some rest before I get any worse. I hope you all, whoever reads this, is having a great day. Nighty night sleep tight...

Fan-FREAKING-tastic!

2008-10-05T20:31:00.000-05:00

So it's been a few days since I last posted so I figured a blog was overdue...so here I am...blogging...obviously. Ahh...ya...well...things are definitely looking up! Ryan has an interview tomorrow with a presitgious temp agency that has been known to place employees in a timely manner. So that'll be great when Ryan is working again...for me and him alike. It's been great having him home right when I get home from work and usually he'll have dinner cooking so that's been wonderful. Unfortunately though money has to be made in order to keep our house, car, dog, etc etc. It would be fan-freaking-tastic though for sure if money grew on trees...which I guess in a sense it does...but obviously I mean literally legal money growing on trees in my backyard would be awesome...I'd have a forest...I'm slighly greedy apparently lol. So a few weeks back I was pretty upset about work and honestly it was hard to go each day but I've got past that feeling and am now numb to the bullcrud that goes on in the office. I just told myself...no this isn't where I want to be in a few years or even a few months for that matter but it's where I'm at now and I better learn to deal with the stress and madness in the office...I'm over it...moving on... So Ryno and I made a pretty big decision this Saturday...for a while...basically since we've moved out and also since Ryan's dog of 17 years passed away...we've been wanting a dog. So Saturday we headed on up to the Ft. Worth Humane Society (Humane Society of North Texas) looking for a puppy and came back the new adopted parents of an 8 1/2 month old golden retriever/lab mix. Her name is Darla Jo (D.J.) and she is too adorable. She hasn't been fixed so she had to stay there until this Friday. So Friday 10/10/08 i will be bringing home our precious baby girl lol. I'm already obsessed with buying her stuff..we bought her a bed, food, food storage container, training bads (we're not sure if she's house-trained), water dispenser, food bowl, engraved name tag, and much much more. We still have a few things to get her but all in all we didn't go too crazy buying things for her. I'm so freaking excited for 4pm on Friday that I can't sit still...so I went out and bought DDR for PS2 since it's not availble for PS3 to keep me preoccupied until DJ comes home!! I'm ridiculous...officially. Ah...so it's Sunday night and I already have the Monday morning blues...sad really. Ryan just fed me a bite of pineapple sherbert...it's pretty rad if I do say so myself...has little chunks of pineapple in it ... which is awesome. I have yet to eat dinner tonight so I better go eat me something small. I hope I have enough will power to get up in the morning for boot camp...honestly 5:30 am comes wayyyyy too soon and makes me a cranky woman...but a cranky woman with lots of energy for the day so I probably will go. Hopefully...wish me luck. So I'm need of a really good couple pair of running shoes. I used to have a horrible obsession with buying new tennis shoes and I'm having a craving to buy them right now...sickening really. I really do need them though...SERIOUSLY...DON'T JUDGE ME! HAHAHAHA. Anywho...I'm so glad things are on the rise right now...it's refreshing. Ok well I better go eat me somethin' and watch my disturbing sunday night shows...DEXTER AND TRUE BLOOD!! AWESOME SHOWS. Ok I'm outa here...deuces!

On and on and on and on....

2008-09-28T01:27:00.000-05:00

This is a pic of me and my husband when we first start dating. Ryan's shaggy hair, my ghetto face, long hair...boy has a lot changed but it is a cute-ish picture...I ruined it with that half hearted kiss/ghetto face I make fun of my cousins for doing. I'm up at 1:29 not much of surprise but my mind was racing again...so I had to sit down and catch it...hence why I'm sitting here blogging lol. I was thinking about the end of the month approaching and how bill due dates were taunting me and the lack of money in our wells fargo account. I also was reawakened by paranoid thoughts of people breaking in...yes I'm paranoid...unofficially. There have been 8 total robberies in this neighborhood since we moved in...pretty scary...crazy. So my brother is over again...yes he's playing Call of Duty 4. We tried to introduce him to another good action game...Rainbow Six 2...I guess that was short lived. I went to sleep earlier and he was playing it...guess the urge to play COD4 took over. He's talking to some kid via bluetooth about what time it is where their at...made me think of how far gaming has come. Technology for that matter...I remember how cool it was to shoot the ducks on Duck Hunt back in the "ancient" times of Nintendo. Weird. I'm 23 years old...my brother is the ripe ol age of 13 ha and he's far more advanced in the ways of technology than I am...wait...no fair...he was born in the technology age...I guess I lose either way you think of it.

So lately I feel like I'm up against a wall with a firing squad pointing their long nosed rifles at me...I know that's morbid...but it's how I feel. I guess I'm feeling like any decision I make is a life or death one I dunno...I am ready to get out of it. Ready for some change...for Ryan to get a job...for this damn economy to stop depressing me. I'm not a depressed kinda gal but everytime I login to my bank account it makes me depressed...sickening. Ugh. Onwards...

Today I accomplished nothing but I did add paranoia material to my brain. I watched this exciting show on the Discovery Channel about Solar Storms and another paranoia filled show about mega tsunami's. The next big solar storm is due to happen around 2011 of course this date is not set in stone or else I would not be sitting here right now and I would be outside digging a storm shelter like they had in Blast From the Past. haha what a funny movie...but when I get to thinking about how advantageous a fully stocked storm shelter would be...it's nto so funny. Anywho. The storm will wipe out all of the transformers on the planet...cutting down power and satellites for over a year perhaps. I don't think our country or countries for that matter will ever be prepared for that kind of catastrophe. We live in an age of bloggers and age of technology hungry peeps and an age where life without electricy would be an apocalypse. It's scary really. Makes me want to learn to live on the land. Not a bad skill to learn. My husband and I will just do our best to be in the best shape we can be mentally and physically when that time comes. Why worry over things like that though...but it wont hurt to be prepared.

So you all now have an insight on the crazy things that run through my head at 1:46 am. Ok wait things like this roam through my hand endlessly it's cool though...good writing material. Speaking of writing, my husband is a non practicing writer...lol meaning he's never been published but that doesn't mean his stuff isn't good...he just hasn't been given that one shot yet...soon though....soon. Eh...I was thinking the other day of how Ryan and I would handle something random happening financially...and then my less-than-2 1/2-year old- car broke down..we managed. I also started thinking about the idea of us getting pregnant and how we would manage...I'm sure things would be fine but fiancially we're not hoping to have one in the nearest future...if it happens it happens and it truly would be a blessing in so many ways. Ok well I got most of what was on my mind out here...for all to see...you probably want to have me committed...hehe well hope not...I'm not crazy just have some crazy paranoid things runnin' through my head at times...I don't often lose sleep...just on weekends when I truly need it. Ok well take care wherever you may be and make today a happy day...peace. :-)

Stacked Actors

2008-09-21T15:44:00.000-05:00

I had to share this picture. It's one of my favorties from our wedding. Don't judge my lack of jumping abilities...it's the little extra poundage I've put on lol actually I think I jumped way before the picture was taken and this was me landing. Anywho, our wedding was spectacular...I could not have imagined a better day. I know I've already said that in a previous blog but I was just thinking about how AWESOME it turned out. Thanks mom!!

So I just got done mowing the grass. Ryan cuts the front yard but I cut the back yard...he's allergic to the grass back there. We've accomplished a lot today but had to give up our behind bullpen tickets to the rangers game to do so. Pre moving in/marriage we would have NEVER given up a chance to see the Rangers but your priorities change instantaneously when you get married. It is for the best though because I hate mid-week cleaning. So I have been listening to an older Foo Fighters song and re-fell in love with that song "Stacked Actors"...it's hilarious! Check it out yo. ha. So I've been reading a friend of mine's blog and I'm really excited for his recent move to South Korea to teach english. It's a goal of mine to experience another culture whether that be in another state or country so I've been really intrigued to hear about his experiences. Best of luck B! Ok well I better jump in the shower and get ready for some FOOTBALL! GO COWBOYS! Jared's coming over in a bit...he just got out of the Marines after serving two terms in Iraq. Ok well I'm out for now...see ya later gators!

"I'm like... Mr. Miyagi and Yoda, rolled into one." -The Office

2008-09-14T05:09:00.000-05:00

So my whole life I've had this fascination with playing the drums yet never did. This is the closest I've come to playing....ha. I can't...unfortunately...wait until the new guitar hero comes out so I can try and dominate the newest, realest set of drums. Speaking of domination...my bro is in the other room playing Call of Duty 4 and he's ridiculously good at it. He bugged me all day about coming over and that is why. He's so obsessed with that game that he can't wait for the weekends to get here so he can guilt me into coming over and playing. Geez. I mean I love him to death but he's got such an addictive personality that I swear it's the only reason he comes to see me sometimes :-. He's a good bro though and earlier he stopped playing for a bit and we watched "Die Hard" and had some chicken nuggets and mashed potatoes...my specialty. hehe. Ryan's obviously the cook in this house but he was at my parents poker party...he didn't do so well...I've quit poker...recently retired.

Anyway, I was just thinking that I need to get my act together and finally get this dang house organized. I have this horrible habit lately of saying "Eh, I'll do it later". It's the procrastination part of me coming out to play too often. Blogging really helps me put things into perspective and understand myself in a sense. Everyday so many random crazy thoughts cycle through my mind not psycho crazy but crazy nonetheless. Sometimes it really helps me to sit down and concentrate on writing to truly calm me down and relax.

So...I've been really excited that I haven't come down with anything lately. I've been regularly taking my vitamins and really watching what I eat. Now comes the hard part of trying to get on a normal workout routine. That's why I loved bootcamp so much with exception to the 4:30 wakeup time to go there but I loved it because it helped me become motivated in a really healthy motivating environment. Is it ok to say motivating/motivated twice in a sentence? Did I really just ask that? lame. Ha ok so ya 5:21 am I tend to be very random and smartass-y.

I'm really hoping that Ryan gets into a job soon. I mean I love the fact that when I come home the house has been cleaned up and dinner is on but I think it's driving him crazy with all of this free time. It's not like he's bumming around playing games or whatever but he's never been in this situation before where he HAS to find a job or else we move back home wiht mommy and daddy...which is SO not happening. I love my parents but they invented the word stress...I can't do that anymore. He takes the postal exam in like two weeks or so and then he can immediately get hired. I'm pushing for this route (postal service) because Ryan was not cut out for the corporate/cubicle world lol. I think something as lucrative as a government job will really suit him...but he has got to find him a temp job for a few weeks to bring in some income. We have money to last us another few months without unnecessary spending but I would like the security of knowing that if my car breaks down or his or whatever that we at least have some extra money coming in to keep us afloat. I know he knows this and he's being such a great husband and caring for me and our family but I just hope he can find something quick soon.

Ok well I've rambled on and I know this has been a slightly boring blog but it helped me to get some things out there and now I'm going back to bed. I hope all is well on your end wherever you may be. Keep it real :).

Cheesy goodness!

2008-09-02T20:56:00.000-05:00

So the good thing about Ryan not having a job at the moment is coming home to tasty creations such as this cheesy beef cream of chicken enchilada yumminess! haha. He loves to cook and his new creations are always so great!

So today I was more focused at work which was very advantageous considering one processor is out and I'm having to set up her loans and the others as well. I also am doing some tasks that I'm not used to but I'm doing quite well at them if I do say so myself. The thing is though every day I work harder and learn more but I continuously strive for a more lucrative career. One that is not so redundant and mundane. One where my skills are challenged every day and where I can't fall into a comfort zone or anything. No doubt I love my job now I mean come on I work at the freaking ballpark, I have made some of the best friends there a gal could ask for, and my boss is someone whom I admire and respect on so many levels. So I'm sure that's what keeps me going all those things listed above...but is it enough...when will that day come where I just want to walk out in a storm of fury and be done with the mortgage business? So far so good though I've never been so infuriated where I've wanted to throw it all away and walk out those brown squeaky office doors. I keep thinking how awesome it would be to be a coach and a biology teacher but these kids nowadays are hell raisers that's it's becoming a very intimidating career path to be a teacher. I know I will be shown one day the job path for me but it's getting irritating waiting for that moment...patience Ashley patience.

Ok well Ryan has a job interview tomorrow at Ameriprise Financial and another 45 minute phone interview Thursday with a recruiting agency so I will be praying all goes well with both. I just hope he finds something closer to home and something where he actually enjoys going to everyday. So Javier left today for Chihuahua, Mexico. His tournament starts tomorrow so I wish him well and I also will be praying he gets sponsored by the millionaire back here in the states. It will be great to have him back here in the U.S. and to be able to see him often if he does get sponsored. Plus we may even get to travel to see him play if he starts playing overseas and such....that's not why I want him to get sponsored though. He's a hard worker and has such a great heart that he deserves all the happiness and success that God blesses him with. I think he gets back on Sunday or Monday.

So I sent a text message to my good friend Fig about a year ago that went something like this..."Have you ever been sitting on the toilet and been like...shit I'm done what the hell am I doing still sitting here? no pun intended!"....hahaha...well I had another one of those moments at work today it was ridiculous. I caught myself sitting there looking at the stall door and noticed that 10 minutes had passed...ridiculous! I know I know TMI but I had to share ha. Ok well it's time to go do my wife duties...now get your mind out of the gutter...I was talking about cleaning and organizing...dirty mind you guys dirty mind! haha

Faith. Hope. Love.

...And then two became one...

2008-08-31T23:06:00.000-05:00

Ok well...this is my first blog EVER and more importantly my first blog as a married woman! It's so surreal saying that but so amazing all the same. I got the idea to blog from a friend of my who just moved to South Korea...hey Brandon I hope all is wonderful and I will pray all goes well today on your first day of teaching!

Ok so Ryan and I were engaged on June 30, 2007 after only 9 months of dating but when you know you know and we definitely knew lol. He completes me and I know how cheesy that sounds but I also know how real that statement is. Anyway, after many ideas about our wedding and when/where it would be about 2 months ago we set the date for August 24, 2008. We decided on a baseball themed wedding well a Texas Rangers themed wedding and it was the best decision of my life. I could not have prayed for a better day it was so fantastic. My mom did an amazing job and even though the weeks pending the wedding I thought she was going to pass out from exhaustion she made the day so memorable and so awesome! I need to work on my adjective vocabulary but oh well haha. The pics are so incredible and even though I wish I would have lost the weight I wanted to I was very comfortable and happy on that day to even think about all those minor things. A day I shall remember forever and ever indeed. Honeymoon set for October 12 - 20th...VEGAS BABY!

So the Friday before the wedding Ryan was terminated from his temp position with Honda Finance well he was terminated from the temp agency...who screwed him. Basically the story goes like this...Mr. Hard Working Man aka Ryan made huge strides with Honday and excelled on so many levels. Honda requested to take Ryan on permanently (faster than they've hired any temp worker) but his temp agency refused to terminate the contract early and decided to "fire" Ryan. They pinned the firing on Honda and tried to offer him another 6 month temp contract with another company...damn greedy punks! Oh well we're managing quite well and he has several offers and interviews set up already. We'll overcome this obstacle for sure.

Anyway, it's Labor Day weekend and I've taken full advantage of ceasing all laborous activities lol. I've vegged out all day and it's been fantastic...though I now feel horrible about slacking on my "wife" duties (cleaning, cleaning, etc. haha). Oh well Ryan is wonderful and vegged with me hehe. I love him just fyi :-). Javier is still staying with us...I believe he leaves for Chihuahua, Mexico tomorrow afternoon for a tennis tournament (he's a pro tennis player). He's so awesome and such a sweet guy. Ryan and him are discussing poker strategy in the other room as they watch some poker movie haha. Speaking of poker I haven't played in half a year it seems. I used to enjoy the competiveness of the game but my focus grew on other things and my skills as a poker player ceased...unfortunately. Oh well I still love to watch and hang out during the family poker games and the friend of family poker games.

Ok well I think I will hit the hay soon...probably not but I will try to nonetheless. I wish you all a wonderful evening, morning or afternoon or whatever it time it is wherever you may be. Love to you all and I will blog later. Live, laugh, love.